The Ultimatum: Queer Love should be required viewing for any straight woman who says she wishes she were a lesbian because it would be so much easier if she didn’t have to date men. The second season of the queer version of Netflix’s marry-or-move-on “experiment” once again proves that mess is not exclusive to straight couples. The show’s official premise is that couples made up of women and nonbinary people must go through two trial marriages — one with someone new and one with their original partner — before deciding whether to get engaged. My personal belief is that if you’re dating someone who even entertains the idea of going on this show, you should immediately break up. On the other hand, if everyone followed that advice, then there would be no Miami marriage material for us to gleefully analyze. Before we get into our power ranking, keep in mind that this is not a commentary on how nice these people are in real life, but rather how powerful they are in the edited version of events that we have been presented with. And make no mistake: This entire cast still outranks every person from the main Ultimatum, because the straight seasons have yet to be powerful enough to hold my attention for more than a single episode.
JoAnna Garcia Swisher
Look, JoAnna seems like a nice lady. I believe that she is an ally, and the cast seemed genuinely touched that — to quote AJ — a “straight-presenting woman” was so publicly accepting of their relationships. But if a host has to preface their statements on The Queer Ultimatum by reminding people that they are not in fact queer, then they’re automatically at the bottom of this list. Sorry! I want to see hosts who are able to give advice or mediate arguments while drawing from their lived experience as people in happy queer marriages. Niecy Nash and Jessica Betts or Gabby Windey and Robby Hoffman doing this job? Now that would be powerful.
Britney
If this were a real-life power ranking, Britney would probably come out on top. She’s a beautiful, emotionally intelligent woman who knows how to handle business (literally). Yet on Queer Ultimatum, she’s treated as if she’s some sort of troll who just rolled out from under a bridge. Much to the confusion and dismay of a legion of lesbians watching online, Britney ends up in a platonic default trial marriage because no one picks her. When she reunites with her original partner, AJ, she repeatedly assures AJ that she’s enough but also capable of doing more with her life if that’s what she wants. All Britney can really do this season is wait and see if AJ can get over her own insecurities. She has a frustrating lack of control over her experience on the show before she gets engaged. Still, Britney says during the reunion that this all led to a better work-life balance and an improved relationship with AJ, so, hey, as long as she’s happy. May the IV drips at her med spa never run dry!
Ashley
Ashley arrives at The Queer Ultimatum as someone whose girlfriend Marita is eager to talk about how “empty” she feels in their relationship. It’s baffling that Ashley expects to find Marital bliss when she can’t even be bothered to buy Marita flowers. We do learn that Ashley was previously in an abusive relationship, which seems like a valid explanation for her deadpan delivery and apparent aversion to romantic gestures. Those traits don’t make her a bad person. But they do make her a bad partner for Marita — even Ashley’s own sisters agree that it’s not a good match. As the ultimatum-giver, Ashley is supposed to be applying pressure, but Marita’s the one constantly asking her to step up. Ashley decides not to propose, channeling the had-to-do-it-to-’em meme while claiming that she loves Marita enough to let her go. But it never feels like she put in the effort to try to keep Marita in the first place. During the reunion, cheating allegations are leveled on both sides, and it’s not totally clear exactly what happened between these two off-camera. Still, you know you’re not that powerful when even bringing up your dying grandma can’t get you any sympathy points from your ex.
Marita
Marita puts the hopeless in hopeless romantic. She is powerful in the sense that, perhaps more than anyone else on the show, she is vocal about what she wants. On the other hand, she usually doesn’t get what she wants. For example, instead of a trial marriage with AJ, she ends up getting paired up with AJ’s girlfriend, Britney. This is actually great for AJ and Britney — AJ later reveals that a conversation with Marita was a big reason she decided to propose. But the experience doesn’t help Marita get a happy ending for herself. When her platonic wifey Britney treats her better than she’s used to, it only highlights the issues she has with Ashley. Despite the fact that Marita herself admits that she’s not truly happy in the relationship, she still wants Ashley to propose … because for some reason, she says she is still planning to accept. During their on-camera breakup, Marita is still too attached to walk away like she clearly wants to, but by the reunion, she’s able to tell Ashley that she hates her. Growth?
Marie
Did anyone else notice that Mel has a habit of shaking her head from side to side when she talks? My hypothesis is that this had some sort of hypnotic effect on Marie, because otherwise, I simply cannot understand the grip Mel has on her. Being business partners who live together is not enough justification for staying in this shaky of a relationship. Mel herself says she’s not sure she and Marie can be each other’s source of security and safety, which is wild considering how validating Marie is and how readily she forgives Mel’s crimes. When Mel reveals that she got a matching tattoo with Dayna, for instance, Marie just sighs and says Dayna is going to be in her life forever, isn’t she? When Mel finally proposes with a Ring Pop, it seems like part of Marie is prepared to accept the scraps and just keep dating; she looks surprised when Mel pulls out an actual ring and makes her a fiancée. Thankfully, Marie later breaks up with Mel off-camera. At the reunion, she’s more assertive than we’ve ever seen her, but she struggles to focus that energy and ends up coming across as more upset at Marita than at Mel. In a fitting representation of her time on the show, Marie’s final line of the season is “I’m not a toucher,” right before she gets hugged anyway.
Mel and Marie’s food truck
I hate to say it, but this inanimate object does feel more powerful than Marie. The food truck that Mel and Marie ran together apparently determined how much time they could spend together and loomed large over their priorities as a couple. Marie seems most agitated during the reunion when she brings up Brussels sprouts that Mel made for Dayna — and, naturally, the dish appears to be an item on the truck’s menu. And even before Dayna entered the picture, it already felt like Mel and Marie were in a throuple with this truck.
Kyle
Being able to turn the head of Pilar — someone in a ten-year relationship — initially seems like a pretty powerful trait. But given that Pilar’s partner Haley was also tempted in her trial marriage, it might actually be less about Kyle and more about Pilar wanting to see if there are better cakes out there. After an unwanted kiss from Pilar, Kyle ends up apologizing for sending mixed signals. Although Kyle later looks back on that moment as a good example of working through conflict in a healthy way, it doesn’t necessarily feel like Kyle was guiding that conversation or even an equal participant in it. Still, Kyle’s consistent emphasis on how much marriage matters to her is enough to finally make her original partner, Bridget, say yes, even though she personally still doesn’t understand the appeal.
Kyle’s mom
She’s the first person we meet this season who has actually successfully issued an ultimatum, and the husband sitting beside her is powerful proof. She’s not afraid to say that she doesn’t think her own kid is ready for marriage, but when Kyle and Bridget get engaged anyway, she’s there recording a message of support for them at the reunion.
Bridget
Bridget isn’t afraid to publicly call AJ out for reusing lines when courting potential trial-marriage partners. When she senses that her connection with AJ isn’t going to work out, she actively secures a trial marriage with Ashley, who proves that she’s not out to get Marita — she’s really just Like That with any partner. We see very little of Ashley and Bridget’s chill trial marriage, probably because Bridget seems to have more of a connection with Ashley’s dog than with her. In the end, Bridget also has the power to decide whether Kyle’s kiss with Pilar is something she can get over (it is) and ultimately decides to get engaged because it’s important to Kyle. Bridget’s good communication skills continue during the reunion; she expresses herself calmly and concisely. She also has the power of a good hair-care routine — maybe she can give Mel some tips.
AJ
AJ emerges as the early menace of the season. Before trial marriages are set, she’s flirting with Marita, Bridget, and Marie and seemingly displaying the type of greed that they talk about in the Bible. But her villain arc fizzles out quickly. If AJ really wanted to cheat on Britney, an extremely eager Marita was the most obvious choice. Instead, AJ stays in contact with Britney during what ends up being a very platonic trial marriage with a very distressed Marie. AJ is clearly more focused on herself than on the possibility of actually exploring a new connection with someone else. Even her decision to get engaged largely involves her unpacking her own feelings about where she’s at in her career compared to Britney. AJ’s power comes from the fact that other people — whether that’s her potential trial wives or Britney — care a lot about her choices. But AJ is just focused on AJ … which is pretty on-brand for someone who gets a 40-second compilation in the reunion of herself speaking in third-person.
Pilar
Pilar’s first and only queer relationship has lasted ten years. Given the homophobia she’s facing from her family, I think she’s justified in just being a little bit confused about what she wants. But as she herself says, it’s a shame that her kiss with Kyle overshadows the rest of that trial marriage, which otherwise seems to help push her down the path of accepting that she’s not going to be accepted by her parents. When Haley returns from her trial marriage to tell her that she’s fallen in love with someone else, Pilar is upset but doesn’t get defensive. She uses the moment to reflect on the ways she might be neglecting Haley in their relationship and is able to make enough of a change that she attracts Haley back. But she also makes it clear that she doesn’t want to feel like a safe second option. Ultimately, Pilar’s power comes from her ability to not run away from tough conversations. And by the reunion, we see that she’s also applying that outside of her own relationship and introducing Haley to her family as her fiancée. Cute! But her family probably shouldn’t watch this show.
Mel
Mel’s constant smirking is infuriating, because what is there to smile about? Her emotional torture of Marie? Mel says early in the season that her name is short for both Melissa and melodrama, “’cause I’m just so dramatic all the time,” and she delivers on that. During her first trial marriage, Mel says that Dayna is the first person to truly see her and that Marie has made her feel “insane” for the past four years. Mel is clearly ready to leave Marie for Dayna, but Dayna’s backtracking leaves Mel in an awkward place. Ahead of decision day, Mel says that her feelings switch by the moment and even consults Dayna for her opinion on what to do first. In the reunion, she’s coy about her own definition of sex, but it’s clear that, by Marie’s dictionary, lines were crossed with Dayna and Mel lied about it. She also says she’s happy to be single. Every other broken-up couple is clearly still working through sadness or resentment, but she’s just bobbling her head and not saying much. Ultimately, the ability to pretend not to care is also a type of power.
Haley
Haley takes a softer approach with Magan than Dayna, but that is enough to make Magan want to stand up to her parents who don’t accept her sexuality. She’s able to get Magan to a place where she can hang up on Dayna. She starts drama by implying to Marie that Mel and Dayna have a physical relationship that they should be more honest about — even as she and Magan wait until after the trial marriage is over to reveal that they slept together. And, of course, despite being the one who issued the ultimatum, she returns to her real relationship of ten years with Pilar to share that she has fallen in love with Magan. When Magan’s attitude changes, Haley needs Pilar to be understanding of Haley’s need to get closure. In a true show of power, ultimatum-issuer Haley is not only the one who gets proposed to, but there’s suspense over whether she will say yes or not (as opposed to how certain the outcome felt when AJ proposed to ultimatum-issuer Britney). She gets to ask and answer the question of marriage even after changing her mind and falling for another woman. She ends up happily engaged, and despite the fact that she had a physical and emotional relationship with someone else, gets Pilar’s takeaway from the experiment to be to treat her better.
The TV That Mysteriously Logged Into Mel and Dayna’s Spotify Playlist
Just messy.
Magan
Bridget and Mel are strong contenders, but Magan’s commitment to her top bun makes her the proud owner of the most memorable hair of the season. We see Magan and Haley tell each other they love each other on-camera, which has huge implications for Haley as someone who is potentially about to blow up a decade-long relationship. So for Magan to reunite with Dayna and then backtrack and decide that she only meant that she loves Haley, not that she’s in love with Haley … diabolical. Later asking Haley to apologize to Dayna for not giving her space in their trial marriage is also incredibly audacious. At different points in time, she brings both Haley and Dayna to tears by ignoring them, leaving them so upset that they are unsure how to continue navigating the show. That’s the power that Magan’s attention holds. It feels like her growth came at the expense of a lot of emotional pain for other people, but regardless, it means that she shows up to the reunion as a happy fiancée with a markedly improved relationship with her family. No word on how it compares to her example of the “most family ever”: Fast & Furious.
Dayna
Dayna could have a long, successful career in PR if she wants. If you allow yourself to be swept away by the decisive tone of her voice, you might believe that she’s never in the wrong, or that if she is, someone else is more in the wrong. Dayna gets to wonder whether she can ever forgive Magan for forming a physical and emotional connection with Haley … even though we saw Dayna getting matching tattoos with Mel (something she promised Magan she would do with her!), and we heard those moans. When Magan says she doesn’t see the need to immediately recap her final conversation with Haley, Dayna replies, “No, we’re gonna talk about it right now” — and there’s a reason Mel at one point jokes that Dayna is acting like her mom. That’s just how Dayna operates. And it’s presumably why Magan not answering her phone during their first trial marriages was so distressing; Dayna doesn’t seem like someone who’s used to being ignored. When Magan proposes, Dayna proposes right back without getting on one knee. That’s power, baby. In the reunion, Dayna seems to have anticipated some viewer criticism, suggesting that her definition of sex might be different than yours and apologetically admitting that she was not self-aware this season. Her actions obviously impacted Magan, Mel, and Marie, but she also encouraged Magan to set boundaries that hurt Haley’s feelings and inadvertently shaped Pilar’s experience. There’s no denying that Dayna kept her finger on the pulse of what makes buzzy reality TV, even if she remains steadfast about where else her finger was not.
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