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This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: March 29, 2024

Published: March 29, 2024

Draymond during his Zoom therapy sessions, you need to turn on two-factor authentication, I cannot work under these conditions, I can say without hesitation, and much more from this week in funny tweets.

March 22

"I'm gonna sneak past you." No you're not. You've alerted me.
— Grace Freud (@GraceGFreud) March 23, 2024

Kramer side plot https://t.co/PILkx63zUW
— JY (@yahdley) March 22, 2024

not the point of og tweet but remember when movies had colors and felt like summer https://t.co/mV8dsOniX5
— jules (@imnotjuIes) March 22, 2024

The cover for Billy Joel's single Tell Her About It looks like it's from an ad campaign about informing your partners you have an STD pic.twitter.com/HNV9ZU6mA6
— octopus/caveman (@octopuscaveman) March 23, 2024

Great community note x https://t.co/QIdKWvyHwV
— martha (@mxmsworld) March 22, 2024

Sure, no one (Lance Armstrong) ever got cancer (Tom Green) when they were young (Christina Applegate) before. This is all (Mark Ruffalo) a result of (Bob Marley) Covid jabs. This is (Kylie Minogue) completely (Michael C. Hall) unprecedented (Cynthia Nixon, Andy Kaufman). pic.twitter.com/lzQhJttXXo
— Aaron Hoyland (@aaronhoyland) March 22, 2024

https://t.co/42RkmJTcYm pic.twitter.com/2PiiNkg4cs
— Frankie Bacon and the Screaming Popes (@PanasonicDX4500) March 23, 2024

PR Strategy 1 : Chuck's got cancer. It is what it is. Don't expect more details or further updates.

PR Strategy 2: Kate's having mystery surgery. You won't see her til April. Here's a pic with her kids. It's doctored. She doctored it herself. She's working on a special project!
— southpaw (@nycsouthpaw) March 22, 2024

I apologise to Kensington Palace… pic.twitter.com/XxqaLK7qnR
— Zandi Sussex (@ZandiSussex) March 22, 2024

March 23

Everything the Royal Family did while Kate was being "treated for cancer."

A thread:
—

Feb 8, 2024: My date with Tom Cruise pic.twitter.com/0maLOruOV2
— Prince Willy (@WillsWindsor) March 23, 2024

The self proclaimed meme lord doesn't know how to use memes pic.twitter.com/jWqCeKWZey
— evan (@esjesjesj) March 24, 2024

take it away gould https://t.co/HcwqnH41Ke pic.twitter.com/w7L1DyqDOC
— Jihad al-Haqq ۞ جهاد الحق (@JihadalHaqq) March 23, 2024

The late Prime Minister Brian Mulroney was a great man and leader and I'm outraged to learn his funeral cost 87% more because of the costly coalition's carbon tax. Common sense conservatives will axe the tax and bring home more affordable funerals for hardworking Canadians. pic.twitter.com/v7QzszRAVU
— Barney Panofsky's Best Intentions (@mynamesnotgordy) March 23, 2024

Anybody need a job? The racist rapist is hiring again to fill seats at his Klan rallies!! If you're Black you might get a lil extra if you sit right behind him!! https://t.co/1dIaeFx4wO
— Sheree' Woke AF 🇺🇦🏳️‍⚧️🇵🇸 (@ShereeWokeAF) March 23, 2024

Batman: The Silent Motion Picture is being shared again today so I want to let everyone know that the full edit is available on the Internet Archive:https://t.co/Z89LnEfvX8 https://t.co/INUkjMozfo
— Ben Crew (@BenjaminCrew1) March 23, 2024

wrong https://t.co/y2ySaRhmqL pic.twitter.com/07cm6PxS2W
— gnome (@nihilists4jesus) March 23, 2024

them screwing together under the table was written exactly like a sex scene but a lot you aren't ready to hear that 🤐🧵 https://t.co/GuHD9emroV pic.twitter.com/kvIg4DAuFm
— chefkids (@girlflopping) March 23, 2024

Ok Little Caesars calm down pic.twitter.com/dK4HBnVYNM
— The Joe Gross (@joegross) March 23, 2024

IS THAT FUCKING WAYNE GRETZKY LMFAO https://t.co/1yA579NwGO
— Brian (@DonChytil2dot0) March 23, 2024

Saying "I'm having a heavy period day"
- boring
- depressing

Saying "bro my flow is crazy"
- dope
- could be a rapper
— alexandria i guess (@alexfromoakland) March 23, 2024

I'll never forget the time our cat killed a bunny in the yard and my daughter, 5 watched stone faced while I buried him.

"That will stop him from eating the cilantro," she said.

It was the first moment I worried she might grow up to be a prosecutor
— Andrew Fleischman (@ASFleischman) March 23, 2024

imagine you go to your friend about how you've been cleared of having a brain tumor and he comes back at you with this pic.twitter.com/M9w4wIzDFX
— beer person (@CantEverDie) March 23, 2024

March 24

https://t.co/dAHvqGTtMk pic.twitter.com/0dCr3W6f5S
— Megh Wright (@megh_wright) March 25, 2024

me at work pic.twitter.com/hus2a2G6zq
— ember loves bay ridge (@embernic) March 24, 2024

My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that's an omelette and now she isn't talking to me
— kat (@HelenRuthsGhost) March 25, 2024

Wall Street Silver: EU regulations are bad

Also Wall Street Silver: Why does the EU have better food quality than the US. pic.twitter.com/n5QqBE87zB
— sean (@_sn_n) March 24, 2024

if you saw this and believed it you need to turn on two-factor authentication on all your accounts https://t.co/ktrsxaLcvB
— tunde olaniran (@tundeolaniran) March 24, 2024

People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
— Michael Hogan (@michaelhogan) March 24, 2024

This is like Steph Curry offering advice on your follow through or Elon Musk spitballin' how to make your wife want a divorce. Listen to the man. https://t.co/xkbINwteoh
— Kristi Yamaguccimane (@TheWapplehouse) March 24, 2024

this how bin laden was watching them Whitney Houston videos https://t.co/UUKICNXQrp
— pia thee pony (@hailpeezy) March 24, 2024

Hey, remember the anti-woke Canadian family that sold everything they owned and moved to Russia? Well, get this. They traveled there on a tourist visa and which is expiring in three weeks! 🤦 pic.twitter.com/vC0euV6quu
— Stephen (@CanuckSteve1VP) March 24, 2024

clutter!! i'd fill that up with clutter within about 5 minutes of moving in https://t.co/u9wJwfiVPc
— andy (@heyitsandy_) March 24, 2024

😭 https://t.co/O4VH48a7ty pic.twitter.com/1ekWQft50i
— Luigifan122 (hiatus) (@Xx_Lu1g1f4n_xX) March 24, 2024

March 25

still haven't heard a single person call twitter anything other than twitter and it's been almost 2 years at this point
— ̊ (@doxie_gay) March 25, 2024

That's easily the worst cow I've ever seen https://t.co/OQCtbm3e6y
— Fred Delicious 🍆 (@Fred_Delicious) March 25, 2024

I'm sorry ma'am but your son has been diagnosed with a special kind of disability that will only allow him to eat fresh and piping hot chicken tenders from local fine dining restaurants
*doctor quickly palms a DoorDash branded pen*
also if he eats any leftovers he will die
— stele dan (@beeftime99) March 25, 2024

Never not laughing at this pic.twitter.com/0oBn6u32B8
— john c standard reilly (@nickhexum311) March 25, 2024

To combat self-checkout theft, stores experimenting with new human cashier pilot program https://t.co/8huO84U16J
— The Beaverton (@TheBeaverton) March 25, 2024

This lifetime ban is sponsored by FanDuel, use promo code INTEGRITY to sign up today https://t.co/7ctZejobkH
— Jackson Frank (@jackfrank_jjf) March 25, 2024

This is so clever!

Black ppl, you know how employees love following us around their stores? Well let's put them to work and make them carry the items they think we're stealing🤣 pic.twitter.com/OAAg8xf0qR
— Pariss Athena | Founder of Black Tech Pipeline (@ParissAthena) March 25, 2024

Hasn't been a better joke on TV since pic.twitter.com/cNZHAQTzBc
— Paternity Riley (@lesterfreamon) March 25, 2024

Reminder that Gene Parmesan was only in ONE episode of Arrested Development's original 3 seasons…pic.twitter.com/FEgNa20DJx https://t.co/Wa6eyb79rC
— 𝕯𝖎𝖑𝖉𝖔 𝕭𝖆𝖌𝖌𝖎𝖓𝖘 (𝘚𝘩𝘰̄𝘨𝘶𝘯 𝘦𝘳𝘢) (@EmmaTolkin) March 25, 2024

Because it actually was.

Ubers were also cheaper than taxis and streaming was cheaper than cable. https://t.co/10IFMl4P2c
— Jerrick White (@BostonJerry) March 25, 2024

Florida: old enough to be forced to give birth, not old enough to join Twitter https://t.co/9RMTV5idyy pic.twitter.com/DRch5nUYEW
— sean (@_sn_n) March 25, 2024

March 26

The way the news cycle is going I was legit trying to understand how Usher got involved with a Catholic parish in Charlotte... https://t.co/ojB5uJkDF5
— Naima Cochrane (@naima) March 26, 2024

When Jimmy Fallon turns away from the guest while doubling over in laughter he's actually looking at a cue card glued to the floor that says: "Laugh harder. Try to produce tears."#AnatomyofaFallon
— Andy Kindler (@AndyKindler) March 27, 2024

Happy 74th birthday to one of the funniest human beings alive, Martin Short!

Celebrate his birthday with arguably the greatest SNL short, that has lived rent free inside me, Synchronized Swimming.

pic.twitter.com/zzY8xRABRz
— Danny Deraney (@DannyDeraney) March 26, 2024

Republicans will get mad if you blame a shooting on guns but then be like "A Singaporean freighter lost power and hit a bridge in Baltimore… This is what happens when Mexico exists" https://t.co/xf0bniu0fV
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) March 26, 2024

What is this even supposed to mean?

These people's brains have just been totally fried by the culture war, to the point where they tweet like a broken AI would. https://t.co/Ir4Ol6cjpn
— Ben Harris (@btharris93) March 26, 2024

I've been admirably quiet today for someone who has an actual civil engineering degree
— FOGHAT STAN (@MikeMacRaeMike) March 27, 2024

Twitter 5 years ago: "Why the bridge collapsed, by a structural engineer specializing in bridges, followed by 20 viral jokes and a new bridge meme."

Twitter Today: "The bridge collapsed because of Mexico and the Jews."
— Mikel Jollett (@Mikel_Jollett) March 27, 2024

I'm also hearing rumors the ship was transgender. https://t.co/obu4lVCMda
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) March 26, 2024

We can't handle the concept of a freak accident anymore. The right makes it a conspiracy theory, liberals say it's a policy failure and the left says it could have been prevented with communism. Sometimes a boat loses power and rams into a bridge
— Enhanced Interrogated Poet (@agraybee) March 26, 2024

I still haven't forgotten the moment I woke up, opened twitter, saw a major bridge collapse and everyone start being racist about it somehow https://t.co/XpQBOX1yNX
— Fairy Gothmother, MD (@jenny2x4) March 26, 2024

Reading about the bridge collapse on X, the everything app. Learning that it collapsed because of diversity policies or perhaps the bridge itself was jewish
— Borscht the T is silent (@InternetHippo) March 26, 2024

Hi! Bridge Engineer here, no bridge in the world is designed to have a giant cargo ship the size of the bridge itself hit one of its main structural members dead on. Hope this helps! https://t.co/jbrutaJRPI
— Ed (@ConcreteKeenan) March 26, 2024

Didn't this guy just go broke doing this https://t.co/agBB5KIhR5
— chris long (@JOEL9ONE) March 26, 2024

Selling Bibles so you can pay lawyers to defend you in court against allegations that you falsified business records to pay off a porn star to keep quiet about your affair while your third wife was at home recovering after giving birth to your son, is peak MAGA Christianity!.
— Covie (@covie_93) March 26, 2024

Doug Ford is posting the largest debt of any subnational jurisdiction in the world. This was a huge issue for Kathleen Wynne when she led Ontario, with many frequently citing is as a complaint. The debt is now 35% higher. https://t.co/J0VZxa3qor
— Frank Domenic (@TheFrankDomenic) March 26, 2024

Uhh… Check the sunset ? https://t.co/rQYDOILBGL
— Harrison Weinreb (@harriweinreb) March 26, 2024

you couldn't do this today, the doors would fall off https://t.co/eQQfYIlLai
— multitude container (@bartleby_era) March 26, 2024

I cannot be expected to work under these conditions (don't wanna)
— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) March 26, 2024

Baltimore is over 60% Black.

A "DEI" mayor for the city of Baltimore would be White lmao https://t.co/Qlz6kOd9Oi
— Will Davis – 🇺🇸/acc (@wlldvs) March 26, 2024

March 27

Draymond during his zoom therapy sessions https://t.co/8OMWeRCpaB pic.twitter.com/oPVhMiWlYI
— Day (@MightBeDayo) March 27, 2024

not to romanticize the medical practices of the early 1900s but doctors really fell off when they stopped prescribing visits to the seaside
— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) March 27, 2024

Cocaine is a funny drug to observe other people doing. Like, you're at a party, and suddenly three of your friends emerge from a locked room, more annoying than they were before https://t.co/gGv2NYh5fg
— arvo färt (@arvofart) March 27, 2024

Lmfaooo pic.twitter.com/L8DQJdMvg1
— pokey pup (@Whatapityonyou) March 28, 2024

This is one of those images that never fails to make me laugh pic.twitter.com/IWmM5324gu
— Gravantus (@Gravantus) March 27, 2024

This is an article about how Stewart sold his apartment for more than its estimated market value. It is truly, I can say without hesitation, one of the dumbest pieces of published writing I have ever encountered. https://t.co/q2Qizu8weK
— Jordan Weissmann (@JHWeissmann) March 27, 2024

March 28

Every other artist who releases albums doesn't think about album art or track titles and kinda just phones it in with a bunch of bullshit so this is very refreshing https://t.co/Fb6rgUP4Jf
— Sooper Records (@sooperrecords) March 28, 2024

this is huge news, i had no idea he made music. if only there was an app where jeremy renner fans could discuss his new endeavor https://t.co/4u7TNyxhgZ
— beer person (@CantEverDie) March 28, 2024

you hear about this show Family Guy?? i heard this show is gonna be the simpson killer. i heard its finally gonna put homer in his fat grave
— wint (@dril) March 28, 2024