I ship West and Ciara so much that the ship is overstuffed with cargo so it ran aground in the Suez canal. That is how hard I ship West and Ciara. (Wiara? Cest?) They’re just so cute and adorable together, always snuggling and having stealthy little makeout sessions in Ciara’s (shockingly clean) bed. It’s the giggles and the laughs for me. You know it’s true love to see Ciara — who West accurately likens to a peanut M&M — squirming with delight.
I ship not only them, but also the throuple of West, Ciara, and Jesse Solomon (always both names!). After a few too many drinks, West accidentally conks out in Ciara’s bed but swears nothing happened, which we know is true because there is nothing the editors of Summer House love more than getting some Paranormal Activity-style footage of two people humping in the middle of the night. The next morning when JS comes and dives into bed with them, it does wonders for the polyamory movement.
When the two separate, Ciara goes to the liquor store with Craig, who says that she really likes goobers based on her attraction to both West and Austen, a man with a tongue so large it belongs in Jesse Solomon’s mouth. He also sort of apologizes to her for letting things with Austen go so badly, and says if he knew her as well then as he knows her now he would have tried to stop it. Back at the ranch, West is talking to Kyle and spills to him about Austen and how badly he behaved with Lindsay in front of Ciara, because if there is one thing that Austen Kroll is not going to do it is behave like a gentleman.
In the car with Craig, Ciara says she’s reticent about the situation with West because, “I was already embarrassed one time,” after Austen. When West pulls her aside at the party to talk about her dating past, she’s very frank about what happened, saying it was a “situationship” that got out of hand and she doesn’t regret it but next time she would be more cautious. But what she says in her confessional is much more interesting to me, as a reality-television anthropologist. “It’s been several years since me and Austen have spoken to each other and I’m way past that,” she says. “On TV you can’t live it down. The guy that you date sticks with you for literally fucking ever. People still come up to me and call me an idiot and say I’m dumb.” Her cautious approach with West makes so much more sense, now: If this is going to be a relationship she’s stuck with for years in the public imagination, she better make damn sure it’s worth it.
But Cest is the only good couple in the house this week. Sure, Jesse Solomon got propositioned to have sex with a married lady, but other than that, people are just falling apart. Paige and Craig talk to everyone about whether they’re moving in or getting engaged or relocating for the millionth time across two different shows and, while I love them both, I’m ready to stop interrogating their relationship and just let them be.
They do get in the way of Amandle, though. (That’s Amanda and Kyle for those keeping score.) At dinner Kyle brings up, jokingly, how hard Jesse Solomon was flirting with Paige the first couple of weeks in the house. It’s a little bit awkward but Craig doesn’t care at all. He says he thinks it’s good to date a woman who still gets hit on because it means she’s attractive to other people. That’s the only reason I keep my man around. Sure, he might pay for lots of stuff, but that guy can still pull, and what I really want at the end of the day is a trophy husband (who also pays for lots of stuff).
Amanda gets mad at this remark and storms off. “Why did you bring it up at dinner?” she asks. “I’m pissed. You look like an asshole.” Amanda is saying this to a man who walks around the planet Earth with a mullet. You think he cares about looking like an asshole? Yes, it was a dickish thing to say, but neither Jesse, Craig, nor Paige cared. Why is Amanda so bent out of shape? I’m not saying she’s wrong, but of all the stupid, unfunny, provocative things that Kyle has said during our eight years together, this is the one she’s going to choose to get this mad about? It just reminded me of old, rage-texting Amanda in a way that I really didn’t care for.
At the bar after dinner, Kyle uses his being in hot water and Carl being absent on Friday night to talk to Lindsay about her relationship. Basically, he’s trying to drunkenly tell her that he can “hear the pain in both your voices” and he thinks that Carl is going through with this because he wants to be married, not that he wants to be married to Lindsay. Despite the many different errors he makes when telling her this, she receives it rather well. She brings up again that her drinking, even a little, is a big trigger for Carl.
The way everyone in the house treats Lindsay this episode is very different. I think it’s a combination of Carl and Danielle not being around and Lindsay focusing her animosity this season on Carl rather than on the girls in the house. Amanda and Paige even lie in bed (of course) wondering what Lindsay likes about her relationship after she confided in them last episode that she and Carl are only have sex twice a month. Paige says, “She needs a friend to say, ‘If you don’t want to [get married] you don’t fucking have to.’” We know Danielle is not going to after how badly she got burned last season, so it’s really up to the Bed Sore Sisters.
Carl arrives in the morning and he has brought all the toys for their NASCAR-themed party. There is an inflatable race course with weird bikes, there’s a giant pace car for dudes to take pictures in front of, there are balloon sculptures, banners, flags, everything! Why wasn’t Gabby here this weekend to find out how to really throw a party? In terms of décor and costumes, this might be the best party they’ve ever thrown. Kyle and Carl both look like racing snacks dressed as Evel Knievel and Ricky Bobby (I guess). Ciara is wearing a costume like one of those inflatable arm-waving men you see at used-car lots. She wonders what they are called and I wonder too. How does something so ubiquitous and iconic not have a proper name? But her reveal was even better, because under that clunky costume was a racing-themed leotard that only Karma Brown could have picked out.
The one mishap at the party is when all the boys are racing their bikes and Kyle pushes West over. Though he hits one of the inflatable barriers, he next collides with the ground and breaks his sunglasses, which then slice his face open. Luckily nurse Ciara is there to tend to his wounds. As someone who grew up with two brothers, this is just what hanging out with boys is like. This is how every game ended when we were kids: we would play and play, upping the stakes and taking chances with each progressive round, until someone got hurt and then mom would swoop in to tell us to knock it off, and then we would start the process all over again with another game.
The party is also the site of the most shocking thing to happen in the history of Summer House: Amanda and Paige call Lindsay over for a chat and it’s to be nice! They compliment her on being vulnerable with them the week before and Amanda asks Lindsay if, in retrospect, they moved too quickly on their relationship. Lindsay gives an honest answer, which is that Carl thought she was going to change when they were engaged, but that was never going to happen. Paige tells Lindsay she is on her side in this whole argument and she thinks that Lindsay gets a bad rap because she’s the one who is more vocal about their problems. She’s not wrong and maybe we should all remember that it takes two people to make a horrible relationship and just because Lindsay screams a lot more doesn’t mean she’s necessarily at fault. (And by all of us remembering that, I really mean me. I should remember that.)
While they’re talking about this, the boys are surrounding Carl, and Jesse Solomon, the pot-stirrer in chief, is asking some hard questions, including whether they should postpone the wedding. Then we get basically the same question asked, simultaneously, in two different groups. JS says, “What we’re getting at is it seems really soon to be getting married given the complications.” Across the pool, Paige asks Lindsay the question she asked Amanda two months before she got married: “Are you sure, because it’s way easier to call off or postpone a wedding than it is to get divorced two months later?” The two statements drifted up into the air, as if the words were made physical, as if they had so much weight to them they attracted molecules out of the air and grew and grew, rising and converging like two spinning magnets knowing that they were the same but opposite, true but also false, north but also south, as their attraction finally ended in a collision. But it’s going to be quite some time before we can all step back and survey the actual damage.
