We are a beefy spazzy three piece that will rip you a new asshole and sew it back together. Over the years this unit has changed members many times and slowly morphed from a joke project into a tight, grinding deathmetal machine. TARD was originaly spawned in 2002 by 2 people who havent been in the band for over 4 years and amid its multiple adjustments and reconfigurations, has showcased 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6 members throughout its many rolls of dice in the game. Concieved by Ruddy d'Flowered(guitar/vocals) and Jessley Willis(aka The Champ)(drums/vocals) as a multi dimensional reflection of their collective wisdom, the brainchild known as Tard was originaly defecated into the world as a calculated concept. Thus the first ever special needs crossover metal band glorifying the mentaly and physicaly challenged masses was born. Following several productive jams and a few bottles of hard liquor, the dynamic duo stumbled into a studio and re-emerged with the bands first ever recorded track entitled 'Driver'. Over time this fine work of art has fallen through the cracks, disapeared and is highly unlikely to ever re-surface. We are still searching for it to this day. Shortly thereafter a mutual friend named Timmy(aka the one eyed midget), with no prior musical experience caught wind of this promising endeavour and began showing up at rehersals with a guitar and attempting to play along. His six string contributions would prove to be feeble at the best of times but his exceptionaly short stature and one blind eye would weigh heavily to his advantage. Looking to up the ante, another friend named Mister Nasty whom had recently fallen out of favor with his last couple projects was approached, and eagerly accepted the opportunity to join a new band. Dialogue was had and roster juggling was done, putting Nasty behind the drums, Jessley on lead vocals and a 'bassist wanted' ad was sent out. After horryfying multiple unassuming tryouts and watching them run for dear life, Freebasin Felcher was hired on bass and a few jams later the bands much improved sound began to make Timmys role seem obsolete. Realizing that Timmys guitar days were numbered, a unanimous decision was made that he would become Jessleys whipping boy for live performances. The first batch of shows and tours were booked and Tard exploded on to the scene like nothing the metal world had ever experienced. Wheelchair moshes, penis hot dogs, concussions, broken noses & ribs, smashed guitars & rigs, shitting on stage, one eyed midget beatings, drug abuse, diapers, dresses, vomit, promiscuous nurses, french kissing dogs and many other indescretions quickly became the norm for this instant juggernaught in deathmetal deabauchery. Word spread fast and another delinquent yet proficient musician named Gunnar auditioned and was hired on second guitar, making the band a six piece. More fun and games were to follow until it came time to record a full length album. At this point in time Tard would ultimately reach critical mass. With Nasty, Freebasin and Gunnar pushing to make a serious album, Jessley and Ruddys retarded ideology was challenged and without laying down any vocals Jessley quit the band. Ruddy recorded his guitar parts, dropped some screams and followed suit. Not to be discouraged, the rest of the band did some coke, threw down their tracks, shared vocal duties and put the finishing touches their debut album 'As In 'Re', financing its release with a marijuana grow-op. Looking to fill Ruddys shoes, and match a hard drug habit on par with the rest of the band, Rob Halftard was recruited on guitar and Timmy was promoted to butchering lead vocals. The stage show and concept was dropped and this five piece would go on to play a few gigs while trying to rediscover their identity to a luke warm reception. In retrospect this version of Tard proved to be the weakest link the band had ever sported live. Things rolled along until they didnt. Timmy developed a crack habit and financial debt and Halftard was playing the riffs wrong and missing practice regularly. Tard had another meeting which led to a parting of ways with Timmy and Halftard, and turned the page to mark a fresh chapter in the bands eclectic voyage. New songs were penned and Hillary Muff(aka Delusional Blonde) whom had done a guest appearance as Tammy Pon at a previous show took over behind the mic, making the band a four piece. Boasting a set and line up that bore virtually no resemblence to the bands original incarnation, Muff feebly lobbied to change Tards name and sever ties from the bands previous antics and reputation to no avail. The name and legacy of Tard was here to stay. More shows were played to rabid and receptive crowds, a sophmore album entitled 'Disgorging Guttural Regurgitations.' was recorded and Comatose Music jumped at the opportunity to release it and pencil itself in as an integral part of Tard history. The bands musical chemistry would thrive but behind closed doors another major overhaul was looming. Freebasin Felcher, a cornerstone for the better part of the bands existence called a meeting and announced his decision to limpen his wrists, put on a skirt and hang up his grind by moving out of town with his butch of a girlfriend. This revelation would prove to fuel Muffs increasing disenchantment with the groups overindulgence in drugs and alcohol, Gunnars excessive flatulence and propelled her lofty aspirations at a wishful thinking solo project which has failed to surface to this day. With another collective sweep, two more members were gone, leaving Nasty and Gunnar to pick up the pieces and steer the boat in yet another direction. With a goal of re-solidifying the bands core but minimizing another juggling act of multiple personalities and individual flakiness, Dr. Phil Yerass was hired on bass and a decision was made to keep the band a three piece with all members sharing vocal duties. A few months of rehersal ensued and Tard would re surface to test the waters with a few select shows including Seattle Death Fest and an opening slot for Suffocation and The Faceless to rave reviews. With the shiny new line up in tow and an appetite for further punishment in their pursuit of leaving no stone unturned, TARD is currently labouring tirelessly on their third album which promises to be the crowning achievement in this bands most bizarre and surreal journey. In the meantime the first two albums are still available to any thrill seeking neanderthal with ten bucks and a single digit i.q. You've been warned. TO BE CONTINUED.
