DESCRIPTION:
Might of lost my mind, but still haven't lost it with the piano. Maybe.

It's been awhile since I touched the Everett. Brings nostalgia of my old Final Fantasy videos.

People probably have wondered why I have seemingly lost it over these last few years. It probably started in 2009, even before the break up with Mai ex and this anger has actually probably been most aimed at my brother and his unhappiness and inability to change it.

Is happiness truly a choice? That just angers me when people tell me that it is, and I don't think they truly understand the concept of mental illness, if it were a choice, then why is my brother taking craps on the floor of the house, to make up for his misery of whatever his unpredictable bi-polar mind is telling him? He can't do music anymore, period, which was his first love because of his extreme sensory issues that causes him pain. And no matter what he tries to do he ends up still unhappy. It irritates me because he blames me for his moods and everyone else, of trying to go on 20 different meds and all failed, hospitalized twice for suicide attempts, no solution.

Happiness is found within, but if that within is damaged, then what?

A lot of people haven't understood the change and why I decided to ditch the Final Fantasy music and go to Singing/Songwriting or as some put it "weird shit." Well for a number of reasons I have lost inspiration with playing sheet music in general, probably because the games have been sucking quality wise and Nobuo Uemtasu has left. And another thing is, I am not good enough as a pianist to make a living that way. But still highly creative. And writing song lyrics has been a more fun and a more original way to get better at the piano and increase my skills. I suck at singing, but a lot of people don't seem to understand it's the process. You don't just sing but you have to figure our chords and be more comfortable with the language of music. And it's spontaneous. I still think that old CheonHoPark is dead. Maybe one day I will go back to replaying all my old pieces, but now, I am still trying to focus on REALG, however grueling and mundane. I still want originality. But haven't gotten enough views for it. I thought if I used my mental insanity/instability/chaos/rage for some good expressive use. But some people did not like that side of my personality. A lot of that anger is directed at my brother who has to live a miserable life, and I am stuck living with him, and I am not mentally stable either, but slightly more so. He still complains that we aren't making money and can't take care of ourselves. And I admit, the process of video editing has become really tiresome and boring, but discipline and joy and motivation doesn't come hand in hand.

I have probably lost a lot of subscribers over the years and gain some, but I do not regret the choices I made. I felt the videos I have uploaded so far has been the best way to express myself and how I feel honestly, regardless if it were negative, and it was not just with the breakup of Mai ex, but that definitely was the instigator of my madness. And I question those who can live a life of blind, deaf, ignorance. But that's their choice. As my ex would say, I choose to be happy. And only if I could truly believe in that concept. The perfect world doesn't exist, and I am still not content with that. But that is reality. And that is life.

Even though my brother cannot live his dream anymore as a musician, because of his mental/mood limitations I guess it doesn't mean I have to give up mine, no matter how much he wants me to. I enjoy being creative and artistic deep down whether or not I make money. And even if we argue and put each other in a coffin, I will say I have no regrets and at least I tried. My dream would be to work from home using such talents, to provide some service. Maybe deep down I am still that gloomy clown of comedy. Changing my thoughts into positive isn't necessarily who I am. How can I be positive about the fact that my brother had to destroy what he loved, and live a life of hopeless emptiness purposeless? That is a fate. I still have not understood it. It is what it is. People will tell me to be positive. I don't think so. I am going to work my creative negative juices and let it out of how I truly feel and not be some pish-posh cookie cutter angel, which most people aren't. Flawed is the best way to describe me. So maybe I need to go a different direction. Fame or fortune, does not interests me as much as just being able to stick to a career. But REALG is not taking off so I might have to try something different, again? But who knows, I will finish these videos, and perhaps focus on recording my rabbits. It might be a bit more positive medium.

Anyway, enough of my rants, take care, and thanks for understanding and all those loyal people who remained subscribed to me all these years and hanging in there...

Skid Row here I come.

Kyle.