DESCRIPTION:
In July I go off everybody's radar. I am unable to think, act or function. I spend much of it on a sofa - too much in pain to interact with anyone. I am surrounded by the love of my family who continue some kind of life whilst attending to me and my problems. There is a place beyond suicide - where you are unable to form the intention or possess the physical means to carry out the act, and i have been in that place - but this year, thank God I am nowhere near that place. There is hope - maybe a function of having been through this before, of having survived, of seeing that each episode is getting shorter and of experiencing the love of a family that is not going to let me fall.

This is also the month where I start to discover who my true friends are. True friends are the people who are not satisfied if you stop replying on Facebook. Who will find other means of finding out what is going on, if you 'go off the radar' - including actual, physical, bodily, 'in person' means. I have one friend in particular, who coaxes me to the pub just to talk, and lays on an opportunity for me to 'teach' some students in that pub, simply because he knows that it will make me feel good.

At the same time, you discover who the opposite of true friends are. The ones that blame you for 'going off the radar' because you are not attending to their needs. Facebook is the ultimate narcissist's mirror. don't be fooled by your reflection - it might have a mind of its own ... One friend, in particular, conforms to this path. I mourn his loss, even now, in December. A truly beautiful soul broken by his own self-regard.

These support networks, be they family or friends, are simply the most important element to enable a recovery. Without them there are none of the 'chances'. The chance to be diverted, the chance that someone else's love will overshadow your own pain, the chance that someone will say something so fucking funny that you forget your depression for a moment and remember that you were once well, and can be again.

With this comes a thought.

What if I was going through this alone?

Please, if you know someone who suffers and is suffering alone, go to them. If they can't cope with the company they will tell you to leave them alone - don't be insulted! - if they can cope with the company then just listen to what they wish to say. It is OK to ask questions. It is OK to talk.