DESCRIPTION:
Daniel Cainer & Sarah-Louise Young perform the 'cold open' at the Manchester Theatre Awards - Home Theatre, Manchester 17th March 2017

Words...

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and family, talent, press
It’s time to take your places
By being here today you have accepted more or less
The principles and rules of this event
And now your last text to the bookies as been sent

And as the afternoon unfolds we will reveal
Some sad and comic faces
Some clutching their new treasure with such pleasure as they keel
Forward trying to get close to the lectern mic
Let me remind them if they stand up straight
It will still pick them up alright

In Piccadilly and on Broadway
Traffic’s grinding to a halt
And they’re holding the front page of the Evening News
Til the result
There may be trouble at the mill
And we’re feeling battle scarred
The US presidents mentally ill
And brexit … that’s hard
If you’re worried about the future rest assured
There is still a thing or two ter… applaud
At the Royal Exchange and the Lowry
At the Bolton Octagon
At Oldham Coliseum they shall shall overcome
They can rise above it all they say
And faith will be restored
As long as they take home today
A Manchester Theatre Award

Awards. What do they mean?
Much more than just a bit of junket for the press machine..
The sweat and tears, the joy and pain
Will you be singing or stinging in the Manchester rain
Up here in the North West
We know what we like and we like what’s best
It may just be little a bit of plastic to untrained eyes
But it’s fistful of crystal when you win it as a prize
You’ve cried, you’ve bribed,you’ve scored
You’ve got a Manchester Theatre award
We’ve got celebs - we got stars
Some have been practicing their speeches for hours
We’ve got the cream of the northern crop
We have sifted out the special from the wasn’t much cop
And you daren’t leave your chair
Even though you’re desparate for the fag and you’re tearing out your hair
Cos they changed the running order and they’ve not let you know
And there might be 2 minutes or two hours to go
And you’ll be in the queue for the loo when you’re called
To come and get your Manchester Theatre award

You know where you can stuff your Oscars and your Golden Globes
Your Baftas and your Brits and your Grammies
A Drama desk an Olivier or a Tony award
Might be something to impress your grannies
But we all know the pinnacle of a stage career
Takes place right here and here alone
At this relatively new thing
Continually improving
Grammatically confusing
Place we call Home, We’re going to Home?
We’re playing at Home, It’s Home from Home!

Things may not go the way we planned
We may give the best play award to LaLA Land
Don’t be upset, don’t call the police
If you don’t get a new addition to your mantelpiece
But if you do Jump for Joy – Raise it up
Imagine City or United have won the cup
You can use it as a door stop or as a table tennis bat
You can eat your dinner off it, you can wear it like a hat
You can wield at a mugger and he’s bound to run away
You can give it to your mother you can put it on eBay
You can mount it like a stags head on a board

From the people who brought you the cotton mills
Canals and belts and braces
Hilda Ogden, World in Action, Take That and Oasis
Of all the cups and trophies this one is the greatest
(Or at least the greates one they could afford)
You’ve got a Manchester Theatre Award

So without further a do
I think its time we got on with it - don’t you
Hold your breath countdown from ten press record
It’s time for the Manchester Theatre Awards