JOHNNY UPPERCUT
From the Citrus family, Johnny Uppercut is a terribly exciting new orange crop, easily recognised by the distinct orange rind and succulent, juicy flesh; characteristics present on the exterior of each Johnny Uppercut family member. Much like it's cousin, the blood orange, The Uppercut is a brutal, vibrant food for the ears, and stands above all other varieties for quality, appearance and overall satisfaction.
ORIGIN:
The Johnny Uppercut is native to The Southern Coast of Australia. Although at times, the Johnny Uppercut can only be found exclusively in Canada, satisfying the thirst of lucky Canadians in Guelph, Toronto, Montreal, London, Belleville and Vancouver.
KEEPING QUALITIES:
The Johnny Uppercut is bursting with flavour, is more often than not fresh and sweet, but, if kept for a long period of time in rehearsal studios or airport lounges, it tends to become quite bitter.
SERVING SUGGESTIONS:
The Johnny Uppercut is a great all-rounder, and can be used to cook up sweet new albums or collaborations, can steam up a room to boiling point on a cold winter's night, or provide cool relief during the summer festival period. The Johnny Uppercut is a great accompaniment to a larger bill, or can be served as a main course at the end of the night.
YOUR COMPLIEMTARY JOHNNY UPPERCUT RECIPE
You'll need:
2 cups of punk
1 cup of metalcore
2 cubes of 80's pop, melted
1 tbsp of sexy (self-raising)
.35kg Desert rock
Pinch of feminism (to taste)
Smash punk aggressively into a white powder. Place in a one-hit-wonder safe bowl. Stir in 80's pop (if 80's pop is unavailable, late 70's/early 90's will suffice – see Kate Bush, Talking Heads, Salt 'N' Pepa, Roxette, etc.). Once the pop is blended with the punk gently add the sexy and knead vigorously. By now the mixture should bear a strong resemblance to Blondie. To thicken, throw in the metalcore, put in a blender and set to annihilate. The Every Time I Die flavour should kick Debbie Harry in the back of the head and piss her off nicely. To smooth it out before baking, calm the mixture with a little Desert Rock, of the Josh Homme variety if available. Sprinkle feminism over the top and crank the oven to 11. Leave to simmer for almost four years. After that, it should be just perfect.
For more information on oranges, or any member of the citrus family, head to a credible information source, or at the very least someone with a vague idea.
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