The Fauves

Every band in the world is great.

According to its bio.

Do you think there is any chance that one of these bands would tell you that they weren’t brilliant? Or is there a critical word count of florid, overwritten prose at which the reader falls into an uncontrollable swoon, realising finally that here is the band for which they have waited their whole lives? Don’t come to MySpace looking for the truth. Most bands are pretty bad but they either don’t know it yet or won’t admit it. See the advertising running across the top of the page? On MySpace, that is the truth.

Do you know how difficult it is coming up with a new way of describing one’s band after twenty years? We’ve got old bios written on typewriters, pages not properly centred in the mechanism, errors masked with lumpy blobs of liquid paper. A band logo hand-stamped across the top. That was the standard back then. And believe me, the bios all said we were brilliant.

Then we got computers. The word processor ironed out printed mistakes and reminded us not to construct our sentences in the passive voice. But for most bands the passive voice is completely appropriate. Record company says: ‘No, we don’t want to sign you’. Promoter says: ‘No, I don’t want you on my show’. Audience says: ‘No, we didn’t like that song’. Bands are always having things done to them. They are, in essence, almost always in the passive.

The band did not sell the record.

The record was not sold by the band.

Then we all got websites. More new spiels and even fancier graphics. The opportunity to hock a few more ill fitting T-shirts at massive mark ups. Tiresome online diaries and blogs by semi-literate band members. Musicians should avoid the printed word. It is a fast track to stripping away the mystery and betraying the stolid ordinariness that underpins all but the insane. MySpace is there to help and to this end has provided us with a range of emoticons with which to express a series of generic moods.

Now it’s social networking. Do you have any idea how hard it is to come up with something new to say about your band after a few paragraphs? When people have either made up their minds about you years ago or aren’t interested in finding out? What do you want us to tell you? We are brilliant, but you’re an idiot if you take our word for it.

Here’s an idea. Listen to music. At the top of the page we have provided a small selection of material from several of our nine albums to help get you started. Take a punt in the record store. Enter a gig on a whim. Stop sitting around waiting for a marketing department to advise you. Make up your own minds. And in the process help ensure that we never have to self pen another fucking bio.