Please Enjoy This Savage Pisstake Of Gladys Berejiklian’s Festival Regulations

Gladys Berejiklian and her state government have spent the last few weeks assuring the Australian public at large that it’s not festivals that they don’t like — it’s unsafe festivals.

After all, they’re totally fine with events like Bluesfest, a beloved music fest that they’ve repeatedly stressed is ‘low-risk’, despite the fact that their own confusing risk assessment matrix rates it as, at the very least, highly risky.

To that end, Kiwi comedian Chris Drabble has designed an event that Berejiklian and her cronies can get right behind. It’s called Safe And Sound, and it’s the future of festivals in NSW.

Unlike those other dodgy music festivals such as Mountain Sounds and Fairgrounds, Safe And Sound proudly abides by every single one of the government’s definitely non-Draconian and completely fair and well-thought out measures.

“Tighter regulations need not mean the end of music festivals,” Drabble announces at the beginning of the video. “We’re very excited to announce Safe and Sound festival because we’re giving the people more of what they really want, which is quite clearly safety and security.”

To that end, Safe And Sound will feature mandatory urine sample tests and skin swabs, to make sure that punters are properly hydrated and lathering themselves up in the correct amount of sunscreen.

Those looking to “party down” will be able to do so at Safe And Sound with the help of “low-alcohol beer” (one variety) and reduced-sodium vegie chips, which if consumed en masse can produce a pleasing buzz at least one-tenth as enjoyable as the real thing.

Of course, the “less crucial areas” of the usual experience at festivals — like the bands — have been cut down. Instead of bands, Safe And Sound has gone right to the source, and will be headlined by a state-of-the-art Bluetooth speaker, capped at 80 percent volume.

Gotta love parody that cuts so close to the truth that it stings a little!

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