Remember wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure.
Paulo Coelho
The Alchemist.
So here it goes, the story of my song as I sing it. In a traditional bio I would start by telling you that I was born on Martha's Vineyard into a family with four brothers and that our mom passed when I was nine. Then I would tell you that I sang before I spoke, started playing guitar at 15, graduated college with a theatre degree, drove to San Diego (then LA), pounded pavement for 6 years and recently returned home again. I might even mention the stuff the press likes, like that I lived in an office space for six months, showered at the gym, waitressed at a well known music venue, had a minister for a father, recorded an EP called "Drunk in a kiss" etc. buzz. etc. buzz insert name drop here.
Rewind, begin again. Let's just focus on the last four years. The last year in LA and the three I just spent back home on the Vineyard working on my current record "Carry Me Home."
It started in 2006 while taking nightly walks with a good friend throughout LA. The 'walks' were the birth of the first collection of songs on the album and like the walks they started reflective. "Framed" was found in the boxes I lived out of in those six years, a scrapbook containing pictures of a lover that, like ghosts, lingered in dead end phone conversations. False attempts at reconciliations. the yearning for the life my peers had lead. the choice I didn't make. "Rear View" was the car ride I never took back to him. The one I took away from him. The metaphoric moment when you can clearly see that your life will never be his because it never was.
Over the course of that year, I stopped playing out on the regular and really began to question the path my life was taking. I had somehow become the part of the industry I disliked. I used to say, "Sometimes you have to be swallowed by the beast to change it." I was devoured and drowning in the belly. "When I Scream" came to me in a chord progression that taunted me. I played with it for several nights before sleep. My then roommate and her boyfriend left me alone with it one night on their way out. The buzzing of the city seemed out of reach and too much like the sound of insects attracting to light, constant and droning. It was a haunting lullaby that I couldn't escape no matter what muse I chose. Jimmy (Parr) later captured the hypnosis so precise that there was no other choice but to make the record with him. This was the first song we recorded together.
The walks were my therapy and became a place for my words to collect them selves. Each song became a different part of the small town we call LA, a map of self-discovery. "What You Need" is the token LA song and was inspired by a friend's song I became infatuated with. It's the search for the 'title' that breaks you. the dream gone awry. It is Selma and Sunset - Hollywood and Highland. the parts that aren't as glittery as the movies, rattling dumpsters. It's the climb. the dirt under the nails.
"Hiding or Fighting" was my rebirth. Like the alchemist, I was at the pyramids beaten down with no treasure, pounding my fists in the air. screaming "why?" with nothing left to do but surrender.
The storm passed and the sun rose. "Like A Song" was salvation.
I had no idea what was ahead of me. I only knew that happiness could not be found in an article or an accolade. It was in the search for the source that I began to remember why I had started my journey out west in the first place. It was creativity. It was 'the natural' my walking companion always referred to. If I could have, I would have walked America right then and there. I had promised myself that I would never lie down to get a deal and here I was asleep at the wheel.
I wrote the next two songs after I had mentally checked out without knowing it. "All the Best" was the departure song. It was the subconscious 'see yah latah' to the dead end and then the peace I received when I finally threw my hands up. "Not Since You Left" began in LA with a picture of an ex found online and ended while going through old pictures of my Dad shortly after his death. No wonder I was originally considering 'Pictures and Paragraphs' for the album title. I'll come back to this later.
Stop, pause. a sudden plane ride after a drastic, unexpected decision. sold the car and followed the signs I saw fit to read.
Martha's Vineyard
"Little Island" was written my first February back. The walk had ended. I had given up. I was defeated, broken and camping out in my brother's guestroom. I felt like I was living in a coastal living catalogue that my brother and sister in law created. The song came to me in the silence I had sought for so long. The silence that carried me here. no more buzz. I was awake. I had a go at teaching and assisted in the music department for a brief minute. The song was my nephew's lullaby and came with me to the classrooms.
Then I met Jimmy. Recording began, writing continued and a few other interesting things that we'll fit into the next chapter. Jimmy inspired "the natural" and let me be. I could whisper to scream and he would encourage. It seemed too easy.
It was a beautiful creative time and the seasons were changing. "Given Time" came to me in a lyric that pounded incessantly in my brain the first summer back, "I know there's a perfect design and the stars are bound to align, Given Time." I was brought back for a reason. I had moved out of my own way the day I got on the plane. I was not defeated after all. once a killer always a killer.
Detour
"Time has a funny way of working these things out, never thought one more look in your eyes could turn my heart back into a cloud. Not since you left could I tell you I loved you." Fall leaves fell and my father passed away. "Not Since You Left" revisited with a brand new meaning. It was in that instance and will forever be, my father's song. This was the reason. This was the truth. "On To Me" helped me through it and was written about the friend that wouldn't let me face it alone, no matter how hard I tried.
Life is too short. Life is meant to be lived cliche' cliche' I am so glad I came back by accident. I am with my family and the sea is wrapping its arms around us. I am safe. No more monsters under the bed. Life shouldn't be hard. It should come naturally.
The album progressed. Others jumped in Larry Ciancia and Steve Carreiro on drums, David Saw on lead guitar, Paulie Size on electric guitar, Cara Yarhling-Studds on Flute & Accordion, Jill Zadeh on background vocals and it helped that Jimmy plays every instrument known to man.
"Feels like home" is the cherry. It was written after I moved into a little cottage of my own and bought the pink and blue vintage tablecloth that seemed to mimic the sweet flavors of my childhood perfectly. "Feels like home" is falling in love. It is the house my father built for my mother on a magical little island years ago. It is the treasure under the tree in the backyard. It came so recently that putting it on the record delayed release but these days it's more about process than it is about product and I am loving every bit of it. Most days I take a walk that starts at my grandmother's. As I pass my mothers tree and start towards the ocean, I am soothed by the wind and cradled by the scent of the sea. I have returned to the present and have no regrets knowing that the journey is the treasure.
Carry Me Home
