J Williamez

What can I say? The ladies have been lovin' on me for as long as I can remember.



Probably longer.



I was born on April 23, 1977, in Winnipeg, Manitoba at the Grace Hospital. I made the six O'Clock news that day, partly because I was the first baby at the Grace who was delivered by an all female medical team (including the doctor and three assistants), but mostly because I was the only baby in recorded history who was born wearing a smoking jacket. When informing my mother of my gender, one of the assistants held me up towards my mother, but with her eyes fixed on me and said:

"Congratulations! It's.the sexiest fucking man I've ever seen." This is probably a good point to mention that I was born with a full mustache and a Kentucky Waterfall. (That's a mullet, for all of you shortbacks.)

The doctor and the other two assistants, luckily none of whom had had a really good look at me yet, had to hold the first assistant back, who was frantically trying to love on me. When they finally got her subdued, I was given to my mother who, despite the bizare advances of the first assistant, held me up for the others to see.



BAD IDEA.



They took one look at me, and suddenly lunged at me (I have to admit, I'm sure I was giving them my first attempt at what would soon become my "Hey ladies, you wanna hit this shit?" face). My mom, who was very quick witted, because of the drugs, tucked me under her arm like a footbal, and straight-armed her way through the crazed medical staff who were all trying everything they could to love on me. When she finally made it home, I had already mastered my most important word: "DAMN!!!" Notice that "DAMN!!!" is very different form, say, "damn" or even "Damn!". I had barely turned zero, and already I had understood this important subtlety.



FLASH FOREWARD FIVE YEARS.



My dad took me to the zoo to see the animals for my fifth birthday. My dad made me wear a velvet bag on my head whenever we left the house, because we had learned that this was the only way to get the ladies to stop lovin' on me. It may seem cruel, but I loved my velvet bag. It was like a fort in there. A really, really small velvet fort. Anyway, for my fifth birthday, my dad didn't just take me to the zoo, he also paid all the ladies not to go to the zoo, so I could walk around and see the animals, without having to wear my velvet head-bag.



Or so we thought



First we went to see the monkeys. As we walked through the monkey area, or "Monkey-Town" as it's creatively called at our wonderful zoo, we noticed that as we passed each cage, exactly half the monkeys began running up to the bars and going crazy. I didn'y know what was going on, but my father told me later that those were the lady monkeys, trying to love on me. We visited every animal in the zoo, and only the South Americal Lesbian Jumping Squirrels were unaffected by my man musk, which I had already developed at the age of five.



FLASH FOREWARD 13 YEARS



I had six dates for my highschool graduation, including two teachers and my parents' neighbour, a nice old lady named Mrs. Floyd. The whole night was a disaster, but at least I got lucky.sort of. We (my dates and I) had to take a limo, even though I was opposed on the grounds that only J-Lo should be allowed to take a limo anywhere, and the whole way there, all six of my dates loved on me simultaneously. Thank god the limo driver was a man, or we would never have left my driveway. He only loved on me for about fifteen minutes and then we got going.

When we got to the dance hall, it was pure pandemoneum. We walked in to the hall itself and every couple on the dance floor stopped at the exact same instant. There was about ten seconds where no one made a sound. You could have heard a mime it was so quiet. Then, all at once, all the ladies in the room, ran towards me and piled on top of me like a scrum in a rugby game. Actually it was more like a huge, heaving pile of ladies all lovin' on me, or trying to love on me. Some ladies were content to love on me indirectly, by loving on other ladies who were actually lovin' on me, and other ladies moved a refreshment table, spilling a huge bowl of punch that someone had just spiked, over to right beside the pile or ladies, so they could try to jump into the centre of the lovin', where they hoped I would be. At one point I was able to sneak out the bottom, but instead of running away like I should have, I just stared at the pile of ladies loving on each other and said "DAMN!!!". Of course they saw me and I was busted, but really, I don't care how many ladies have loved on you before, there's no way a man can resist a huge pile of over 125 ladies lovin on each other.

That was my graduation, and that was how I sprained my knee (climbing back into the pile).



FLASH FOREWARD TO RIGHT NOW



I've been forced to construct a special lady resistant dome-like structure to live in in order to get any work done. That's where I'm typing this from. It's completely transparent, so I can see all the ladies who are just outside of it right now, and they look pretty determined to love on me.

Oh well.

Maybe I'll open the south door for a couple of minutes.

DAMN!!!